||[01 Apr 2008|05:51pm]
You need to write this.
My body, my words, my head, my mind,
tiring, tired, getting tired.
Your house was empty and smelled like it used to. The strands of your hair were still separated by grease (when I thought I loved you I overlooked this) and even from the back of your head I was able to tell that you were a boy I cannot and will not be in love with, nor have I ever been. Your skin was cold; uninviting, though your actual limbs were reaching out. Thump thump thump. I don't feel anything when you touch me, or I should say when you used to touch me. I don't feel anything when you feel me (like I do with Greg..like I REALLY do with Greg). Failed attempts and seduction, boredom, and closure. Us, the past, you..in a nutshell.
Me, months ago: I am over you; you don't mean a thing
You, months ago: I love you, you're a bitch, I need you baby
You, this morning (at 6 to be exact!): By the way, you still mean something to me, just not in that way
Months gone, withering away,
We are on the same page. Maybe.
Everyday, so tired.
One day I am going to not be able to wake up. I don't know if it's the birth control, stress, maybe a relapse? I don't know.
Walking, back and forth, same paths, so routine.
Zombie, eyes closed, looking but not seeing.
Talk talk talk, what did you say?
I still don't know.
I want to go to every high school in the world and tell every student not to make friends because they are just wasting their time. They are making false and temporary bonds with uninterested people who will find new priorities when high school ends.
Relationships end friendships. Not my relationship, though. I seem to be able to maintain that balance between both friends and a boyfriend and yet you can't. Ring ring ring. I could answer and tell you nothing is new, or listen to your voice mail and let you carry on with your life. Ring ring ring. My decision.
I thought I loved Marc, and Ben, and Adam, but when it ended I knew I didn't. I knew I really liked Greg last winter and now I love him. I mean, I think I really love him. It's the kind of feeling where sometimes you love someone so much that you just want to explode. You're so in love that you can't handle it and you just want to explode! And I wonder if I ever get a different boyfriend, if I will love him, or love Greg. I hope I love Greg because I would hate to find out that I tricked myself into a delusion of love, for the fourth time.
Thump thump thump.
This has to be real.
Clinging to you, pinching your cheeks,
gurgle gurgle gurgle, we share money to buy food and we share the food, too.
10 AM, excited, thumpthumpthumpthump! There you are; euphoria
11 AM, notebook paper and scribbled hearts while my fingers are between yours
2 PM, there you are again, run and hug you, never let go
3 PM, inappropriate gestures with hotdogs, laughlaughlaugh, my cheeks really hurt, hug me before I go
5 PM, 6 PM, 7PM, 8 PM, 9 PM, 10 PM, 11 PM, intimacy, friendship, so connected. Hey you, under my blanket, I love you! Yeah, I'm really in love with you. And did you know I am going to explode at 10 AM tomorrow from loving you so much?
Family dinners, conversations, holding hands under the table.
We're going to last forever because my mom made him an Easter Basket,
and she even included fun things to play with!
Security, stability, when did I get so happy?!