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[01 Apr 2008|05:51pm]

kissmeimcnfsd
Dear me,

You need to write this.


My body, my words, my head, my mind,
tiring, tired, getting tired.

Your house was empty and smelled like it used to. The strands of your hair were still separated by grease (when I thought I loved you I overlooked this) and even from the back of your head I was able to tell that you were a boy I cannot and will not be in love with, nor have I ever been. Your skin was cold; uninviting, though your actual limbs were reaching out. Thump thump thump. I don't feel anything when you touch me, or I should say when you used to touch me. I don't feel anything when you feel me (like I do with Greg..like I REALLY do with Greg). Failed attempts and seduction, boredom, and closure. Us, the past, you..in a nutshell.

Me, months ago: I am over you; you don't mean a thing
You, months ago: I love you, you're a bitch, I need you baby
You, this morning (at 6 to be exact!): By the way, you still mean something to me, just not in that way

Months gone, withering away,
finally,
you see.

We are on the same page. Maybe.


Everyday, so tired.
One day I am going to not be able to wake up. I don't know if it's the birth control, stress, maybe a relapse? I don't know.

Walking, back and forth, same paths, so routine.
Zombie, eyes closed, looking but not seeing.
Talk talk talk, what did you say?
I still don't know.


I want to go to every high school in the world and tell every student not to make friends because they are just wasting their time. They are making false and temporary bonds with uninterested people who will find new priorities when high school ends.

Relationships end friendships. Not my relationship, though. I seem to be able to maintain that balance between both friends and a boyfriend and yet you can't. Ring ring ring. I could answer and tell you nothing is new, or listen to your voice mail and let you carry on with your life. Ring ring ring. My decision.

I thought I loved Marc, and Ben, and Adam, but when it ended I knew I didn't. I knew I really liked Greg last winter and now I love him. I mean, I think I really love him. It's the kind of feeling where sometimes you love someone so much that you just want to explode. You're so in love that you can't handle it and you just want to explode! And I wonder if I ever get a different boyfriend, if I will love him, or love Greg. I hope I love Greg because I would hate to find out that I tricked myself into a delusion of love, for the fourth time.

Thump thump thump.
This has to be real.
Clinging to you, pinching your cheeks,
gurgle gurgle gurgle, we share money to buy food and we share the food, too.
10 AM, excited, thumpthumpthumpthump! There you are; euphoria
11 AM, notebook paper and scribbled hearts while my fingers are between yours
2 PM, there you are again, run and hug you, never let go
3 PM, inappropriate gestures with hotdogs, laughlaughlaugh, my cheeks really hurt, hug me before I go
5 PM, 6 PM, 7PM, 8 PM, 9 PM, 10 PM, 11 PM, intimacy, friendship, so connected. Hey you, under my blanket, I love you! Yeah, I'm really in love with you. And did you know I am going to explode at 10 AM tomorrow from loving you so much?

Family dinners, conversations, holding hands under the table.
We're going to last forever because my mom made him an Easter Basket,
and she even included fun things to play with!
Imagine that.
Security, stability, when did I get so happy?!

Sincerely,
yourself
<3

[06 Feb 2008|12:14pm]

kissmeimcnfsd
Eight years old With my ear against your stomach,
your relinguished cotton T-shirt serves as a sanctuary
for my young credulous skin.
Just like my mind, my heart, and my soul,
the skin upon my face is impressionable.
Yet to see beyond the innocence in life,
it places its trust in your garments.
As crease-caused lines form across my cheek,
my entire being is wrapped up in your warmth.
The food being dissolved in your stomach
is a lullaby to my ears and soon my eyes begin to close.
I woke up ten years later,
only to find a whole new arrangement.
My house was devoid of your love and security,
but full of the same emotions coming from a new silhouette.
It was my first time seeing him and yet it was such a familiar feeling,
unlike the smile across my mother's face.
She was finally at peace,
stable and secure with a husband to love her,
and that night I fell asleep with my head upon her lap.
My skin was no longer young and impressionable,
and it was done diverging beneath false emotions.
That is when I knew that instead of belonging to you,
I was actually my mother's daughter all along.
<3

[08 Oct 2007|10:36pm]

kissmeimcnfsd
Dear you,

"Just because you love someone doesn't mean you have to be involved with them. Love is not a bandage to cover wounds." -- Hugh Elliott

I thought I was free.
I thought I was liberated.
I thought I was unattached.

But I am not. I am circumscribed and restricted and I don't know how I thought I was anything else.

"Do you really love me?"
"In the most fucked up and unhealthy way possible, though you could never tell, even if every word is about you, yes."
"Just smoke a blunt and forget about me. Chug a beer, actually."
"I will never forget you, ever."

And it's true, I won't. Sometimes I want to forget you and sometimes I think life would be easier if maybe we never met, but I know that isn't true. It may be easier, but it wouldn't be worth it as much. I am grateful for meeting you and experiencing life with you in it. I am grateful for every bump along the way because we made it through all of them and here we are, both a little more unstable, but both a little stronger. Maybe I am not strong at all, though, and maybe it is not our fault that we are weak for eachother. We depend on eachother to be a means of escape when reality gets unbearable and in the end we are let down, but always find ourselves asking for more. Perhaps we get what we deserve.

I wonder if I will ever break free of your chains and let my heart love freely. I wonder if my memories will forever be manipulated with your smell, your touch, your breath on my sweaty skin. I don't think I will ever forget and I don't think there will ever be a day I truly forget.

This isn't about a breakup and this isn't about rekindling a love that isn't meant to be. This is about being sorry for not being able to serve as your foundation in life. I cannot provide you with the love that you need because I do not know how to properly love and I am not ready to. I love in the only way I can and it's a way that we will both never understand. This is about that and this is about never going a day without you lingering somewhere in my mind, in my heart, in me.

In every guy I come across, I can see you in them. I can feel you touching me when they touch me, I can see your eyes in their eyes, and I can smell you on the sheets of every bed I lay in. Every inch of flesh I touch from this day on will feel like your flesh. Every set of lips will feel like your lips, bringing back the memory of that grin you have. Every time I close my eyes I will envision myself with you and everytime I experience heartache, it will bring you to mind. You will reign over my existence from the inside out and no one will ever truly have me because part of me will always be with you. The truth is, no one will ever be able to have me because I lose a part of me wherever I go, no matter who I am with.

And so I do regret ever telling anyone that I loved them, but I will never regret telling you, even if I do not know a thing about love. I know about friendship and lust and change. I know about crying and despair and losing everything without losing anything at all. I know about feelings and I know about life and I know it because of you.

You said it's pathetic that I had to show you old words in an attempt to make you feel better, but if you compare these words to previous ones, you'll find that they are the same. I feel the same today as I did in June and as I probably will years from now.

My words aren't old because my memories are fresh and my attachment to them is even more so.

I am not free at all and I do not care. My heart is weighed down by something worthwhile and because of this I can learn.

Sincerely,
Me
<3

[13 Aug 2007|10:42pm]

kissmeimcnfsd
I leave for college on wednesday and I REEEALLLYYY need lyrics for my boyfriend saying distance wont come between us and nothing will ruin what we have because its real.

pleaseeee.
& thanks.
<3

[13 Aug 2007|03:36am]

kissmeimcnfsd
Say to me what you know you must, fact or fiction, what do you care?

It gets me between your old used sheets all the same.
(Just the way she used to be…or probably still is…)

Tangling myself deeper and deeper into the pre-existing fascination,
the chaos you put on my platter and served to me.

(How can I criticize when I asked for seconds...and even thirds?)

Did you know I felt sheltered against you while you let me have my way without me knowing you were really having yours?

Flesh to flesh, rolling around in disbelief, but not enough to stop myself from enjoying it just the same.
(I've always been naïve it seems.)

Each inch my fingers traced, each smirk that snuck up on us, every voice in my head saying "it's almost certainly wrong, but it feels so right"...

The calm before the storm that I didnt see coming

But all along it was brewing in the room that day, tossing, turning, whirling right along with us.
(How devious for it to do such a thing when it knew our eyes were busy looking at the sins we anticipated, masked behind such infatuation and desire.)

She gets under your skin, makes you stumble over your words.

This is what happens when the game gets the best of the players.

Deception from your lips settle in my ears, but the reality settles deeper than that.
(You didn't think I knew, did you?)

Why feel used when the notion was in the back of my mind all along?

Pull me in. push me away. Pull me in. have your enjoyment when I thought I was having mine...

Time's up, make your last move.
No thought process is necessary now.

I always bounce back and you'll always move on.
<3

[17 May 2007|04:06pm]

kissmeimcnfsd

This isn't much.
I just wrote it for my aim profile because this boy made me angry.

Honest opinions, please.

 


Say to me what you know you must, fact or fiction, what do you care?

It gets me between your old used sheets all the same.(Just the way she used to be…or probably still is…)Tangling myself deeper and deeper into the pre-existing fascination, the chaos you put on my platter and served to me.

(How can I criticize when I asked for seconds...and even thirds?)

Did you know I felt sheltered against you while you let me have my way without me knowing you were really having yours?

Flesh to flesh, rolling around in disbelief, but not enough to stop myself from enjoying it just the same.

(I’ve always been naïve it seems.)

Each inch my fingers traced, each smirk that snuck up on us, every voice in my head saying “it’s almost certainly wrong, but it feels so right”...

The calm before the storm that I didnt see pending

But all along it was brewing in the room that day, tossing, turning, whirling right along with us.

(How devious for it to do such a thing when it knew our eyes were busy looking at the sins we anticipated, masked behind such infatuation and desire.)

She gets under your skin, makes you stumble over your words.

This is what happens when the game gets the best of the players.

Deception from your lips settle in my ears, but the reality settles deeper than that.

(You didn’t think I knew, did you?)

Why feel used when the notion was in the back of my mind all along?

Pull me in. push me away. Pull me in. have your enjoyment when I thought I was having mine...

Time’s up, make your last move.

No thought process is necessary now.

I always bounce back and you'll always move on.

<3

[22 Jul 2006|11:52am]

kissmeimcnfsd
She was born innocent and pure.
Aren't we all born that way?
We're innocent until we're drained of it.

She used to run with skinned knees from falling down too much while chasing that cute boy on the block.
Now she walks with her head down to hide the bruises on her face from when her father had another bad day.

She used to wear expensive underwear from the disney store with all she ever knew printed on the butt such as The Lion King or Sleeping Beauty.
Now she wears the pack of underwear for 5 dollars from Walmart that she can only afford to buy two or three times a year.
And she has no imagination in these pairs of underwear because they're no longer all she ever knew,
but they've become a reality to her as her father has another bad day at work and tells her it wont hurt,
and that she can't tell anyone because it should be they're little secret, and her mother doesn't know because she'd bed-ridden.
As far as she knows her daughter is innocent and pure.

She used to spend her allowance on dolls and candy and every kid's dream.
Now she works two jobs to help support the family since her mother is ill and her father is a deadbeat, but she always finds just enough moeny left over to buy a few grams.
Never too many, just enough to escape her life, enough so she doesn't feel.

She used to believe boys had cooties, and that love was just tugging at his hair and calling him names.
Now she's been conditioned to feel no love at all, except for the occasional moments when she believes love is her boyfriend abusing her,
just because when he's abusing her he at least has to pay attention to her,
and to her, that is love.

She used to wake up every morning with the new day as her canvas, free to do as she wishes.
She could travel to Paris, Italy, Alaska, wherever her mind wanted to be.
Now she lays in bed, thinking of an excuse to stay there until the sun goes down and it's time to
go to sleep, just to wake up the next morning finding herself in the same place.
Repetition is common for her now.

She used to be so innocent and pure.
But weren't we all at some point?
We're innocent until we're drained of it.
The innocence always dies.
<3

[17 Apr 2006|05:52pm]

kissmeimcnfsd
Lyrics about:
- feeling disconnected from people, especially best friends
- never having anything to talk about with your best friend.. growing apart
- not being able to show people the truth to yourself
- wanting to get close but not being able to

THANKSSS.



Wandering the streets, in a world underneath it all
Nothing seems to be, nothing tastes as sweet
As what I can't have
Like you and the way that you're twisting your hair round your finger
Tonight I'm not afraid to tell you
What I feel about you.

Oh I'm gonna muster every ounce of confidence I have
and cannon ball into the water
I'm gonna muster every ounce of confidence I have
For you I will
For you I will

Forgive me if I st-stutter
From all of the clutter in my head
Cause I could fall asleep in those eyes
Like a water bed
Do I seem familiar, I've crossed you in hallways
A thousand times, no more camouflauge
I want to be exposed, and not be afraid to fall.

Oh I'm gonna muster every ounce of confidence I have
and cannon ball into the water
I'm gonna muster every ounce of confidence I have
For you I will
You always want what you can't have
But I've got to try
I'm gonna muster every ounce of confidence I have
For you I will
For you I will
For you I will

If I could dim the lights in the mall
And create a mood I would
Shout out your name so it echos in every room
I would

That's what I'd do
That's what I'd do
That's what I'd do, to get through to you

Oh I'm gonna muster every ounce of confidence I have
and cannon ball into the water
I'm gonna muster every ounce of confidence I have
For you I will
You always want what you can't have
But I've got to try
I'm gonna muster every ounce of confidence I have
For you I will
For you I will
For you I will
<3

[06 Apr 2006|07:02pm]

kissmeimcnfsd
Lyrics about cutting please.
<3

[27 Jul 2005|10:17pm]

shiznayotin



rxc_army
Join

<3

[28 Apr 2005|11:58am]
roydenstork
tell me what u think of my band...click here </font>


1 cryplease dont <3

[07 Apr 2005|03:41pm]

soxlast_summer_


join girl__pants
<3

[01 Feb 2005|07:28pm]

soxlast_summer_
Name you currently go by: alicia
Where you currently reside: connecticut
Your age : 13


Piercings?/Tatoos: my ears are pierced..and i want my lip and eyebrow done
Current Hair color: brown
Pets?: yup..a really weird cat named charlie


Views on Homosexuality: i think people should have their own beliefs, i mean you cant force someone to feel a certain way..because you should be able to be who you wanna be, believe what you wanna believe, and love who you want to love
Views on Gay Marriage: well it pretty much covers what i said before, i mean if thats what you believe in then by all means do it. you cant change who a person is or what they believe it because i believe that would be wrong to try and change them
Drugs: ( dont be ashamed or worried, this isnt a sxe community)i havent ever done drugs, nor do i ever intend to.
And of course the question every on else asks, Abortion: i think it could go both ways. if you make a mistake and you know that you wouldnt be able to care for the child, then do what you think is best. but it al depends on the person, what they believe in, and the situation theyr in

Ten bands you like: taking back sunday, something corporate, from first to last, the early november, i can make a mess, underoath, senses fail, brand new, daphne loves derby, straylight run.

Bands you've seen/would like to see: ive seen - taking back sunday, atreyu, funeral for a friend. i want to see - something coporate, and from first to last


Favorite Movie/ Movies: happy gilmore, anything with adam sandler, a walk to remember (i know, im pathetic lol), the ring, spider man 1 and 2

Why you want to join: i want to join because i like to meet and talk to people who have the same interests as me and i think this community is pretty cool



Picture time! but no more then 5

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v655/soxlast_summer_/meee.bmp


this pic was from a few months ago, and its not my best one, but its the only one ive got, and i used a link cuz the pic was too big, but i dont know how to use an lj cut..sorry guys
4 cryplease dont <3

Dont shake..i hate to see you tremble [22 Jan 2005|07:13pm]

roomstoocold55
[ mood | creative ]

check out my bandd.. please..SLA  thanks guyss...

<3

[19 Jan 2005|03:21pm]

subdoedsilence
May i ask where the 27 memebers are?
<3

[17 Jan 2005|07:20pm]

subdoedsilence
I would like to apologize for being inactive. I haven't even updated my lj or kept up with any other lj communities. I've been extremely busy and my computer is being a bitch.
So...now that i've apologized...
How has everyone's new year been so far?
Mine's okay.
Are you keeping andy resolutions? or have you broken them? haha.
Well...I must go.
Later.


P.S.--If you have a MySpace--Feel free to add me, i'll be sure to add you back.
http://www.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewProfile&friendID=7485416&Mytoken=20050117162056
<3

[14 Jan 2005|03:58pm]

kissmeimcnfsd
<3

[03 Jan 2005|09:46pm]

kissmeimcnfsd
<3

[02 Jan 2005|04:32pm]

kissmeimcnfsd
My Chemical Romance

Gaze into her killing jar,
I'd sometimes stare for hours.
She even poked the holes so I can breathe.
She bought the last line.
I'm just the worst kind,
Of guy to argue,
With what you might find.
And for the last night I lie.
Could I lie with you?

Alright, give up. Get down.
It’s just the hardest part of living.
Alright, she wants. It all to come down this time.

Lost in the prescription she's got something else in mind.
Check into the Hotel Bella Muerte.
It gives the weak flight.
It gives the blind sight,
Until the cops come,
Or by the last light.
And for the last night I lie.
Could I lie next to you?

Pull the plug.
But I'd like to learn your name.
And holding on,
Well I hope you do the same.
Awww, sugar.
Slip into the tragedy you've spun this chamber dry.



Add me if you'd like. <3
<3

2004 is almost gone!!! [31 Dec 2004|11:50am]

subdoedsilence
Happy New Year's Everyone!!!
So,
1.)What were your the 3 most memorable things about 2004?
2.)Did you (like/love/hate) 2004?
3.)What are your top 3 New Year's Resolutions?

Answer the ?'s
All the cool kids are doing it. haha.
Later.
9 cryplease dont <3

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